Tuesday, January 4, 2011

An open letter to the manufacturers of women's clothing

Dear manufacturers of women's clothing:


I am a man, and (unlike perhaps some men out there, not naming names, only winking suggestively) the only clothes that I own are men's clothes. When I wash my clothes, I do exactly the following things:

1. Pile as many items as possible into the washing machine.
2. Close lid and put in detergent.
3. Set the cycle and turn on the washing machine.
4. Once washing machine is finished, transfer pile of wet clothes into dryer.
5. Empty lint filter so I don't set the goddamn house on fire, set dryer cycle, turn on dryer.

Unfortunately, on those occasions when I have to wash my wife's clothes (which is pretty often as she goes to a job 5 days a week that requires specific garments which must thus constantly be washed) there is a whole new set of steps inserted into the middle of this relatively simple routine.

Apparently you, the makers of women's clothes, are a bunch of dicks who have nothing better to do than to fuck with me (and anyone else unfortunate enough to ever have to wash women's clothes) by coming up with all sorts of unnecessary added instructions when it comes time to dry said clothes. Those three glorious words, "tumble dry low," that I find on every garment of mine are apparently not in your evil heartless vocabulary. Instead you decide to hit me with shit like:

"Dry flat"
"Reshape and dry flat"
"Hang to dry"

or my personal favorites:

"Tumble dry low until damp, then remove and dry flat"
"Hang on northward-facing clothesline for precisely 22 minutes 33 seconds, then turn on a spit next to an open fire built of knotty pine logs until dry"

OK, maybe I made that last one up, but the one before it is 100% real. And you know what? It's not happening. I'm sorry, 25 dollar Target hooded sweatshirt with various bedazzled adornments, but go fuck yourself if you think I'm hanging out by the dryer to check every 5 minutes to determine when you are "damp" so I can take you out and lay you on top of something in order to finish drying. I'm sorry but I'm pretty busy making sure my 15 month old doesn't consume any change that fell out of my pocket, find a way to gouge her eyes out with a Mickey Mouse figurine, or order a Playboy TV movie on demand by pressing random buttons on the remote control.

Seriously, women's clothing manufacturers, enough with this already. I know these garments are not made out of some fancy space age shit that requires truly delicate care. If "tumble dry low" is good enough for all the cotton / poly blends in my own wardrobe, surely it must be for any that are worn by my wife. You're not fooling anybody into believing this stuff is somehow expensive and exotic because it has "special care" instructions. You're just being assholes and making the washer to dryer clothing transition far more difficult than it needs to be.

So please, I implore you, STOP BEING A BUNCH OF DICKS. "Tumble dry low." Say it with me. "Tumble dry low."



1 comment:

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